How do you want it? Raw and dirty? Or a little layer of protection to ease you into Murphy’s Law that is my life. Believe me, I am overtly aware of how dramatic that sound and so over the top, yet, most people that have been in my life would all resoundingly agree with this statement. The stats first:

I got sober September 18, 2003 and the math is 22 years sober. My drug of choice was alcohol and I would use anything and everything to help amplify the alcohol. Did I see myself getting addicted to norco’s when they were prescribed to be for pain? Yes. I then made a choice when they prescribed me fentanyl patches. Mind you, this was before fentanyl was rampant through the streets and cut with every street drug.

The weekend that I fill that prescription and put it under my bathroom sink, I looked up detoxes. I knew the signs of physical dependency and I wasn’t willing for it to go any further than that. I saw the signs and had to acknowledge that I was at this fork in the road, one I was familiar with. One I was fully willing to take ownership of and stop it before it decimated my life.

I have also had to confront some deep seeded trauma that I tried to ignore and put band-aids on. I had to look at my friendships and my partners, why I kept choosing a certain type of person and why I was drawn to that. I looked at patterns I recreated from what I saw growing up. I looked at why I felt I had to stay way longer then I should have. There is a wound that I have struggled to put away and no matter what I do, it is something I have yet to work through. It’s what is called a primal wound. It is created, most often, in children that have been adopted. It is based in abandonment and it is a much larger topic that a qualifier conversation.

I have my own mental health history and have tried a whole host of methods to deal with it, some worked well and some made things worse. You never know what will work until you try it and why not try. As someone who has dealt with their own SI/SA/DV, I can say that it has been worth it.

There is a topic that I will talk on, which is very close to my heart which is harm reduction. This is a topic that deserves several discussion because it does save lives and I think too many people use AA as a reason to not use it. That rhetoric kills people. It has killed people that were like family to me.

Now I know a lot of these topics are heavy and that isn’t something I will shy away from. I spent much of my life making myself less because other people sucked the air from the room. I stopped being me and I will no longer be less or say less for anyone. I understand I say this with a tremendous privilege.

These are my qualifiers as I choose to share them. To be let out as I see fit. Choose to see that how you will.